The Ron Weasley Death Files
by FishOutOfWater
Summary: Watch happily as Ron Weasley dies a new bloody, painful, and gruesome death in every new saga. Ron fans beware! (Saga #2, Death By Broom Closet, is up)
1. Saga 1: Death by Quidditch

**The Ron Weasley Death Files**  


  
**Summary:** And now it's time for a special Harry Potter saga. Watch as Ron Weasley dies a new cruel, bloody, painful, and gruesome death in every chapter!  
**Warnings:** Major Ron-bashing! Graphic violence! Sex! Everyone's OOC! Oh yeah!  
**General series notes by the author:** I can't stand Ron, and this is my way of taking it out on him. Each saga is a completely new story; Ron is (regrettably) resurrected at the end of each chapter. Each chapter will be quite short, since I'd like to kill Ron as quickly as possible.  
  
***  
  


**_Saga #1- Death by Quidditch  
_**  
  


Ron Weasley was delighted when he started his fifth year at Hogwarts. Quidditch was starting up again, and he realized excitedly that, given Oliver Wood's graduation 3rd year, he might actually have a chance to be play on the Gryffindor team! After all, with star seeker Harry being his best buddy, and his obvious love for the game, how could he _not?_  
  
"You, be on the team?" Harry cried at lunch, gasping in horror. This was not clearly not going be as easy Ron had hoped.  
  
"Yep, I'm the biggest Quidditch fan alive!" Ron said. "The thought of actually getting to play Quidditch with the great Harry Potter takes up ever thought in my pea-sized brain! I'll kick ass as seeker!"  
  
"Look, Ron, to put it frankly, you suck big donkey balls at Quidditch," Harry replied. "Besides, when all you do is watch the game and never practice it, you gain quite a bit of weight."  
  
"Oh," Ron muttered, glancing down at his gigantic stomach. He forgot about it very quickly, since his short term memory was, frankly, pathetic. He got down in his knees in begged in a whiny voice. "Please please please please please please please-"  
  
"Argh, stop whimpering and kissing my feet!" Harry grumbled. Suddenly, his eyes lit up with a Slytherin-like glare that would've made Hermione suspicious. Fortunately, Ron was too stupid to notice. "You're on the team, Ron," he sighed. "Keeper."  
  
"OH BOY! HAPPY DANCE!" Ron yelled. "Now I really get to go everywhere with you, Harry!"  
  
"Just shut up and get ready for practice," Harry grumbled.  
  
"I'll do anything you say, Harry!" Ron cried. "You're my god!" For that reason, he left, clearly not realizing Quidditch practice wasn't for another 18 hours.  
  
Harry glared at Ron's back. "What an ass," he muttered, pun intended, of course. He slyly owled the other members of the Quidditch team, an idea in his head. He was sick of Ron being an idiot. He was sick of Ron following him around. He was sick of Ron trying to steal Hermione's affections from him. The whole Quidditch team was sick of him begging them for autographs.  
  
Yes, they were going to make Ron pay!  
  
***  
  
Ron was so happy to be Quidditch Keeper that he didn't really notice the strange going-ons at practice that week, such as the excessive number of bludgers aimed at his dead (but diverted at the last minute), the constant glares he got from Fred, George, Harry, and the girls. Finally, there was the fact that Draco Malfoy appeared to practicing with them. With all his study of Quidditch, it was pretty shocking he didn't realize something was "off."   
  
Before their first game, Ron heard Harry whisper to Draco, "We're going to make him pay!" Draco responded by smiling and high-fiving Harry.  
  
Harry and Draco's antics sent off a red-alert in Ron's stupid head. "All-Mighty God Harry, why were you talking to Malfoy?" he asked minutes before the game.  
  
"Um, he's going to buy you a new broom after the game," Harry said with a small snicker.  
  
"Whoah, Malfoy got cool!" Ron said, a big, dumb grin on his face.  
  
"Game time!" Madam Hooch called out. Ron finally, at this point, noticed that the Gryffindors and Slytherins were arranged in rather...odd, positions. He'd memorized Quidditch formations, and he'd never seen a single one that'd had the beaters and chasers surrounding the keeper. However, in a typically stupid, Gryffindor-like way, he trusted Harry's judgment without question.  
  
Madam Hooch threw the quaffle in the air. The ball, instead of going to one of the chasers, smashed into Ron's skill, creating a huge dent in an air pocket where Ron's brain would've been in a person of normal intelligence.  
  
"Hey!" Ron moaned at Katie Bell. "Why didn't you catch that?"  
  
She just grinned and threw the quaffle to a Slytherin chaser, who proceeded to throw the ball. It hit Ron's left arm. Blood oozed out of it.  
  
Unfortunately, before Ron could think about that, a bludger hit him in the lower back. He felt his spine rip out, and the bone stuck out of his body like he'd suddenly grown a mutated tail.  
  
"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! HELP!"  
  
"Mwahaha, little brother," said Fred or George, hitting another Bludger at Ron. Ron could no longer feel his lower body, but he saw his foot snap off his leg and blood come off where his foot used to be.  
  
He saw all the chasers play catch with the Quaffle, each hitting Ron in a new place. Blood came pouring out of his fingers, neck, stomach, and who knows where else. He felt a few ribs break from the Bludgers.  
  
Then, by far the most painful part came. A bludger hit him directly in the head, smashing his limited brains out. The other players grimaced as they watched the brains ooze out onto his body and onto his broom. "Must...stay...on...broom," Ron muttered, holding on for dear life.  
  
Finally, Harry and Draco found the snitch. They caught it together, each holding one wing in their hand. Slowly, they approached what was remaining of the bloody, broken Ron and faced him head on.  
  
"Time to..." Harry began.  
  
"End your misery, Weasel!" Draco finished.  
  
"Must...end...misery," Ron sputtered.  
  
"Okay!" they said together. Harry and Draco threw the snitch right at Ron's neck. Using its wings, the snitch perfectly sliced a line through Ron's neck. His head fell off and his body soon followed.  
  
"That ending your misery?" Harry drawled, whistling casually.  
  
"I think we let him off too easy," Draco replied.  
  
"OKAY, RON'S DEAD, GET BACK TO PLAYING!" Hooch yelled. Harry and Draco became enemies once again, and the players began to play the game for real, as if nothing had happened.  
  
After Harry caught the snitch, everyone rushed onto the field to congratulate Harry for the brilliant death plan and thanked him for ridding the world of an idiot like Ron. No one bothered to move or touch Ron's body or severed head, all in fear of aquiring his low-IQ and Harry-worshipping tendencies if they did so.  
  
Finally, just after dark, Remus Lupin entered. He'd just entered his werewolf stage, and he'd smelled a dead body on the Quidditch field. _ It smells like a nasty excuse for a human being, but I am hungry,_ he rationalized.  
  
And so it was settled. That evening, Lupin the werewolf devoured Ron's body, leaving no flesh, blood or brains left to be seen on the Quidditch field. A few hours later, everyone celebrated Ron's death by having sex on the Quidditch 50 meter line.  
  
_END of Saga #1_  
  
***  
  
**Saga #1 Notes:** That's the first part of the new "RW Death Files." Most of the installments to come will be shorter, I think (I probably won't take so long to set up the circumstances for his death). Let me know what you thought of it. Flames are welcomed, as always.  



	2. Saga 2: Death by Broom Closet

_The Ron Weasley Death Files presents..._  


  


**Saga #2: Death by Broom Closet  
  
**

Series rating: R  
Saga #2 warnings: Major Ron bashing! Major R/Hr bashing! H/Hr! Violence! Sex! You've been warned!  
Summary: Ron finds death in a broom closet.  
Saga #2 notes: Here's the second installment of updated whenever I feel like it RWDF series. This one is even grosser than the first, and it officially brings the series up to an R rating (I'd classify #1 as more of a PG-13). Enjoy!  
  
*****  
  
Ron skipped happily and naively along the Hogwart's school grounds. "Zippidie doodaa zippidy eh! My, oh my, what a wonderful day!" he sang, although his voice was terrible.  
  
Totally unaware of his surroundings, Ron stupidly, as usual, bonked his head right into a corner of the building. "Oww!" He screamed in a girlie-like fashion, wiping the blood from the monstrous egg that was forming on his forehead. Then, he went back to singing.  
  
You see, nothing could ruin the easily amused Weasley's deliriously happy mood. It had been the other day when it had hit him: he was in love! Yes, he, the idiotic, stupid Weasley had been fancying a girl since his fourth year, but it had taken him two whole years to realize it because his brain was too stupid to process information any more quickly!  
  
Yes, he loved Hermione Granger!  
  
Now Ron, not knowing a thing about girls, assumed she just had to love him back. After all, his body was strong and supple, his hair was sexy, and he was just...a hunk of burning love! (Of course, he was really fat and ugly as sin, but he didn't know it)  
  
And then there was Hermione, his sweet babe. She argued, argued, argued with him! And he, being too much of a loser to do so any other way, had always inadvertently expressed his love for her that exact same way!  
  
So Hermione, despite being 1000000000 times smarter than him, had to express her love in the same way, right?  
  
Dumbass.  
  
Ron turned around, determined to tell the amazing Hermione just how he felt. Suddenly, he realized he was by himself. Oops.  
  
Where had they been while he was singing? Where was she? And where was Harry, for that matter?  
  
Ron proceeded to lug his out-of-shape body through the halls of Hogwarts for the next eight hours, searching for Harry and the fair Hermione (Naturally, he was too hot-tempered and stubborn to ask for directions to their location). The very winded Ron finally gave up. In his exhaustion, he leaned against a conveniently placed broom closet.  
  
Wait a minute...he not-so-astutely realized, there were voices coming from the broom closet. He put his ear to the door and listened.  
  
"Oh, Hermione," A voice moaned.  
  
"Oh, Harry," came another reply.  
  
Hmm...could they possibly be Harry and Hermione? Ron finally realized that, yes, it must be them! Well, what could they be doing in a broom closet together? He didn't know, but they sounded a bit busy, so he decided to wait for them to finish doing...well, whatever they were doing. He stood by the door and listened.  
  
"Wow, Hermione, your breasts are so much larger than I ever imagined!"  
  
"Yes, Harry, I wear 'squish-down' bras so the boys don't bug me," Hermione cooed. "They're just for you to see. Oh, let me take off your pants."  
  
"Oh YES, YES, Hermione, your lips feel so good against my chest! More, more!"  
  
"Harry," Hermione gasped, "it's so big!"  
  
"Just like your breasts!" Harry exclaimed. "It's so great we decided to get together! We're perfect for one another! And it's so great not having that asshole Weasel around."  
  
"Yes, yes," Hermione whispered. "Oh, my pants are feeling so constricting. I think I'll take them off."  
  
"Let me help you with that," Harry replied huskily. "Your panties are so wet! Better get those off, too."  
  
"Harry! Harry!" Hermione said anxiously. "I need to take you! I want to take you inside me mouth!"  
  
"Oh yes, Hermione! Take me now!"  
  
"Ohhhhh, ooooooh," came a series of nondescript moans of pleasure.  
  
What the hell? Ron thought to himself. He had no knowledge of sex, and no powers of deduction, so he had no idea what was going on.  
  
"I've had it with this! I'm telling Hermione how I feel now!" Ron impatiently cried to himself. He attempted to bang the door in his nasty rage, but he was far too weak to do so. He sat there for a minute, puzzled.  
  
"Oh, duh! The door knob!" Ron said not so brilliantly. He turned the knob, opened the door, and found a completely naked Harry and Hermione with his, err, winky, in her, uh, teeth.  
  
They stopped suddenly when they saw Ron. "What the fuck are you doing here!?" Hermione screamed angrily at Ron.  
  
"Uh...I wanted to, uh, talk to you, Hermione."  
  
"Can't it wait?" asked Harry.  
  
"NO!" Ron exclaimed loudly. "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Having sex, you fool," Harry stated.  
  
"Ohhhh.....sex!" Ron said, a lightbulb finally going off in his head. "From sex-ed!"  
  
"In other words, we want privacy! GET OUT!" said Hermione.  
  
"No! I just wanted to tell you Hermione at this time that I'm in love with you! And I know you love me back!"  
  
"Are you insane?" Hermione replied. "Obviously, I like Harry! Now leave!"  
  
"No!" Ron replied with all his ignorance. "I won't leave until you say it!"  
  
Meanwhile, Harry grabbed two brooms, and gave one to Hermione. "I didn't realize until just now what a miserable friend he is! Let's kill him!"  
  
A grin spread across Hermione's face. "Yeah!"  
  
Hermione poked her broom extremely hard at Ron's ribs. "Take that!" she yelled.  
  
"Um, what are you doing?" asked Ron innocently, adding an "ouch" as he heard his ribs snap.  
  
"You don't wanna know," Harry replied evilly. He put the broom in front of Ron's knees. Ron stupidly stepped forward.  
  
"Yeowwww!" Ron cried as he tripped. twisting his knee. Blood oozed out of his chin, a gaping hole appearing.  
  
Hermione, strong as she was, twisted Ron's other knee. It snapped, and both of his leg bones were sticking out, ripping in a disgusting sort of way.  
  
"Waah, Hermione!" Ron pouted.  
  
"Ha!" Harry yelled, pushing the bristles extremely hard across Ron's eyes. Strangely green colored liquid started coming out of his eyes.  
  
"Hey, I'm blind!" should Ron, waving his arms around frantically.  
  
Running towards him, Hermione smacked her broomstick so hard against Ron, several cuts appeared, and his back quickly become nothing but a sea of blood.  
  
"Ready to finish him off?" Harry asked Hermione.  
  
She grinned. "Both of us at once!"  
  
"3...2...1..., bulldozer!" they yelled. Both, with their superior brute strength, rammed the ends of their brooms into Ron's stomach. His guts came ripping out.  
  
Harry and Hermione watched with their mouths wide open as Ron's stomach, intestines, and other vital organs oozed out of his stomach in a lovely mixture with blood.  
  
"Mommy," Ron gasped, his last words before officially croaking.  
  
"Hooray!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"High five, Harry!" Hermione responded.  
  
"Man, this closet smells bad," Harry said, gagging. "But at least Ron died. Now, I'll never have to worry about that stupid sidekick again."  
  
"Thank God," Hermione echoed. "Well, since the closet is officially disgusting, what do you say we go out into the hall and finish what we started?"  
  
"Good idea!" replied Harry.  
  
So they went into the hall and did just that, complete with all the necessary moans and groans.  
  
*****  
  
_END OF SAGA #2_


End file.
